often times i get caught in this darkness. the feeling is all too familiar. the feeling is always concerning, the feeling is happening more frequently.
the other day i woke up at 9 am, my body is adjusted to 11-6 am sleep cycles so this was considered “sleeping in”. i laid in bed until 1:30 in the afternoon. the entire time my body telling me get up…get up…get out. you have people to see, you have things to do. but the mere thought of the effort extended in getting out of bed was too exasperating.
my bed is my comfort zone. i do not have to get up and look in the mirror at myself. i do not need to walk around this house where so much has happened, giving me daily reminders of my past. i do not have to socialize with my friends in person, constantly fixing this and being hyperaware of that. my bed is just myself and my thoughts. but oh how do these thoughts scare me sometimes.
in fact, these pits of darkness are filled with “sometimes”. sometimes, your heart breaks without rhyme or reason. sometimes, you miss someone that hasn’t even existed. sometimes, you yearn for something you’ve never experienced. sometimes, you stare into the abyss and without warning your eyes begin to tear up. sometimes, you stay in bed until 1:30 in the fucking afternoon. there is no explanation, there aren’t any stimuli catalyzing these moments. it’s just something you sometimes have to expect. this too shall pass.
its this horrible cycle that i hope stops soon, but i know will not. maybe i just need someone in my life that will constantly tell me that it will be okay, because i think i’ve grown weary of giving myself that false hope.
This cover will always, always break my heart.